Category Archives: punny

Sing It!

SayingImages.com

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Punnies 7

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What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand

A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though – he woke up

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves

The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.

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Medical Punnies

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*This was forwarded to me by my good friend, Marsha Koenig. (She got them from her brother.) She takes no credit for the ‘language,’ – nor do I – not sure about her brother. :0)

 

A Panel of Medical experts were asked if it is time to ease the lock down?

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Many Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a  bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the idea.

Anesthetists thought the whole concept was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes!

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Punnies 6

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What did the ranch say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”

I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!

My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

 A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

What’s America’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.

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Punnies 5

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What did the hamburger name it’s baby? Patty!

One lung said to another, “we be-lung together!”

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill!

My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

What did syrup to the waffle? I love you a waffle lot!

My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me. I think she’s just being clothes-minded!

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!

I’m no cheetah, you’re lion!

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Punnies 4

Amazing Creatures

Who is the penguin’s favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!

What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!

The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!

How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows!

I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!

That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!

You really shouldn’t be intimidated by advanced math… it’s easy as pi!

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The English Language is Nuts

This was forwarded to me by my good friend, Marsha. I loved it and wanted to share it with you –  Hope you enjoy it! :0)

_______

“Pretty Heavy for a Monday”

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.  A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

 

You think English is easy?  I think a retired English teacher was bored… THIS IS  GREAT!

 

Read all the way to the end ….. it took a lot of work to put this together!

 

1)  The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2)  The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3)  The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4)  We must polish the Polish furniture..

 

5)  He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6)  The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 

7)  Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 

😎 A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

9)  When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10)  I did not object to the object.

 

11)  The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

12)  There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13)  They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14)  The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

15)  A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

16)  To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 

17)  The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 

18)  Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

19)  I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

20)  How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are animal brains.  We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?  How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

 

PS – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?

 

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

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Punnies 3

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Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though – he woke up!

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

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Punnies 2

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Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

I made a pun about the wind but it blows.

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

 

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More Punnies

Storyteller Travel

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.

Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Can February March? No, but April May.

 I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.

 

*Parade

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Fine as Frog Fur

From the Grapevine

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.

Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Can February March? No, but April May.

 I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.

 

*Parade

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Groaners

How Stuff Works

 

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus

Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!

What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.

I’m not a doctor but I’m losing my patience.

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Punny

AskIdeas.com

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

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Puns for Educated Minds 4

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  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in   the craft.   Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t   have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The   other says , ‘Are you sure?’     The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope     that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

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Puns for Educated Minds 3

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16.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.

In feudalism it’s your   count that votes.

 

19 When cannibals ate a missionary,   they got a taste of religion.

 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,   you’d be in Seine

 

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The   stewardess looks at him and says,    ‘I’m sorry, only one carrion   allowed per passenger.’

 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and   says , ‘Dam!’

 

 

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Puns for Educated Minds 2

Andrea Piacquadio

 

More Wonderful Puns from the forward Marsha sent to me –

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist  camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to   the other:

‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:     ‘Keep off the   Grass.’

 

15. The   midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium  at large.

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Puns for the Educated Mind – 1

Andrea Piacquadio

My friend, Marsha, sent me puns this morning. I’m still grinning –

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye  doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whiskey  maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber  band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it                                 was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for    littering

 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

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Punny

Email from Marsha Koenig

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Punny

BBC

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.

When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

*Thanks to Bored Panda

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